Porn for Suitov - SAFE for work

(Really SFW, I'm not that mean!)

(3:23:57 PM) Anke: Where is Suitov going to get involved [in the Twine Wars storyline], anyway?
(3:24:20 PM) Mutt: He's with Soprone, but not at the very beginning.
(3:25:46 PM) Anke: Any more plans already, or waiting to see what happens first?
(3:26:03 PM) Mutt: I don't have plans, nope.
(3:26:44 PM) ***Anke is wondering how to get Yrn involved
(3:26:46 PM) Weft: Well, obviously they wait until they're really desperate, then get drunk and drugged off their faces, then fall and hit their heads on a gutter, and THEN hiring him starts to look like a good idea.
(3:27:06 PM) Vespers: but at some point he transitions, willingly or not, from being 'with' someone, to being more of a cult of personality, right?
(3:27:40 PM) Mutt: Cult of personality sounds so... cultish.
(3:28:27 PM) Mutt: Let's just call it a little treason.
(3:28:58 PM) Anke: well, as long as it's just a little
(3:28:21 PM) Vespers: I mean, it's obvious that by the height of the war, Suitov is a power, not the bully-boy of a power. Or it wouldn't be Suitov we're talking about. And you know perfectly well all the best generals' forces were a cult of personality
(3:28:45 PM) Vespers: Napoleon, Wellington, Grant, Lee, Washington...
(3:28:54 PM) Mutt: Right, in that sense.
(3:29:21 PM) Mutt: "Cult" has all kinds of unpleasant associations for me, ha.
(3:30:51 PM) Vespers: Cult of personality =/= traditional 'cult', although traditional cults ARE also cults of personality, generally speaking. and, well, call it hero worship if you like
(3:30:59 PM) Vespers: dunno if you like that better :P
(3:31:27 PM) Suitov: I think I preferred empire of blackest snow.
(3:32:19 PM) Suitov: Or "northern terror", that was a good one.
(3:30:53 PM) Mutt: Where he fits with the rest of Shade, if that's what you're asking, Ves, is as a smaller (or certainly not the biggest... you kinda need land to support being huge) BUT very high-tech power.
(3:32:03 PM) Vespers: so he's a hammer. Not a, well, avalanche like the Flag.
(3:32:59 PM) Suitov: We're a laser rifle.
(3:33:10 PM) Anke: Cute
(3:33:35 PM) Vespers: laser rifles ain't much good against avalanches :P
(3:33:59 PM) Suitov: It's your analogy.
(3:34:20 PM) Vespers: (great mental image. "Stay back! I'm warning you!" *pew pew SCHLOMP*)
(3:34:49 PM) Weft: I've seen him face down an avalanche and I don't remember the *pew pew* bit.
(3:35:35 PM) Vespers: hah, rather
(3:35:37 PM) Anke: VERY cute. <3
(3:36:18 PM) Weft: I remember it as more terrifying and very loud.
(3:36:14 PM) Vespers: Weft's pretty supportive. Sure you haven't gotten him mixed up with vamp-weft?
(3:36:41 PM) Weft: I am NOT suppotrgviiveeveddsafdsfsfsdf *hiss*
(3:37:03 PM) Anke: X)
(3:37:13 PM) Weft: DIE.
(3:37:20 PM) Weft: I'll make you eat your own liver.
(3:37:46 PM) Felix: It'd be tasty. I eat well.
(3:37:57 PM) Anke: meh
(3:38:12 PM) Weft: Yes, eat well, because it shall be your last... well, last liver.
(3:38:18 PM) Vespers: By the way, Weft totally is adorable
(3:38:27 PM) Vespers: he's such a kitty :P
(3:38:55 PM) Weft: DIE IN A MAGICALLY-INDUCED COMA WHERE YOU'RE IN UNSPEAKABLE AGONIES RELIVING EVERY NIGHTMARE YOU EVER
(3:38:55 PM) Suitov: Calm. Down.
(3:38:55 PM) Weft: ...sorrysir
(3:39:43 PM) Vespers: sort of a kitty crossed with a tiny baby puppydog that's totally in love with you [*]
(3:39:33 PM) Anke: The more hissyfits you throw, the less seriously people take them...
(3:39:44 PM) Anke: ... so save them up.
(3:40:20 PM) Weft: I have like a year's supply in my shoulder muscles alone.
(3:41:03 PM) Anke: Sounds like you could do with a massage
(3:41:42 PM) Weft: Sounds like anyone attempting it wouldn't value their life.
(3:43:27 PM) Anke: Why are you in such a bad mood today?
(3:46:10 PM) Weft: Mr. Vespers called me a *inaudible*
[And Vespers had to go to bed here]

[*] Whole bottles of ink, or the equivalent online, have been spilt over who Vespers meant by "you".

#A bon-bon to blow on at last has been found!

Toot de suite!

OMG NEW CROSSOVER IDEA. ♥

Of course, I don't pretend that it hadn't crossed my mind earlier. A woman is entitled to window shop. Nevertheless, the first time I seriously considered the possibility that I might be falling for Lord Suitov Iceheart was when we were all double-wrapped in yak hides crossing the Premolar Mountains and he cracked a joke about daffodils.

That's something Suitov does a lot. I suspect the idea is to cheer me up and make me forget how far I am from home. Among the many things that surprised me about Suitov is how he doesn't mind looking goofy if it'll put a woman at ease. Most 'aristocrats' I've known are obsessed more than anything with being dignified at all times and, to tell you the truth, I'm not used to hearing lofty lords joking around.

Or, indeed, asking my opinion. That's another thing. When most men say "what do you think?", they generally want you to back them up. When Suitov asks, the intonation is different -- he wants to know. And he listens. Even when he's being told he's wrong. If he wasn't so obviously a man in other ways, I don't know...

I think what finally made me feel comfortable with Suitov was, well, the flipside of what made me uneasy to begin with. He didn't want anything from me. The door-opening, the compliments, the random thoughtful presents, for heaven's sake: the obvious thought, to me anyway, was that he wanted to get into my pants. After a while I realised none of it's aimed at impressing people. He just actually is like that.

Maybe it's upbringing. Whatever it is, it's damned attractive. That's the conclusion I came to, two thirds of the way up those mountains, and I'm sticking to it.

Now all I need to do is find a way into his pants. Perhaps I'll buy him a book...

---

Yeah. I'd be interested to see who you think our narrator here is.

Suitov debrainwashed Weft and they shared a clumsy, desperate kiss just seconds before they were parted for ever.

It's minimalist, I suppose...

But you KNOW I want more detail.

Once upon time Lord Suitov and Jiana Jade fell threw a portal and moved to a new planet where there was no magic but there was a film country just like Hollywood. Suitov became a famous film star with lots of money and fans and a private jet and he married Jiana and they had two children called Hermione Lana and Cory Lex and they had a Porsche and three Ferraris and lived happily in their His 'n Hers mansions in the hollywood hills.

Then one day Jiana had a secret and kept sneaking away and Suitov was trying to find out what it was but she wouldn't tell him. "Trust me honey you don't want to know." Then one day a helicopter snuck up from behind the "H" in Hollywood and caught Jiana in a net. "Oh no the Black Rose has found me. Somebody help!"

When Suitov heard about it on the news he get really mad and put on all black clothes and a long leather duster and took a lot of weapons and guns and a motorbike. It had a sidecar for his dog. He rode and flew into the back of a jet which opened up and flew real low along the freeway. Then he immobilized the pilot and flew to antartica.

When they got to antartica Suitov parked the plane "It's cold out there and it's about to get colder. Are you ready tiger?" He put on some mirrored shades and had gelled his hair back and stepped outside with his coat tails blowing all around in the wind and snow and his dog looming behind him with glowing red eyes. They were going to get his wife back ready or not.

At the same time Jiana woke up in a cell "Oh no where am I. You monsters!" she screamed and screamed for an hour then she thought and worked out a plan to escape. When the guard came in Jiana fell over and pretended to die and the guard came over to loosen her shirt. That was when Jiana got the hand cuff chain around the guard's neck and they fought and she knocked the guard out and chained her instead and stole her uniform.

"Aren't you a little flat chested for a prison trooper?" Jiana said while she struggling to make the shirt fasten. She put on the guard's cap too and it looked real adorable on her. Then she went to complete her mission.

Suitov got into the front door of the fortress and had a gun battle with guards which he defeated using two guns at one time and his dog tripped up one of the guards when the guard was running in the way and the guard fell over.

Suitov put his boot on the guard's neck and said "Where is she and if you have to ask Who you will be deemed too stupid to live". So the guard said "Cells... 4th... floor please don't... kill me... I'm only... following orders." Suitov said "Look where following orders gets you. If I were you I'd consider a change in career. Something safer like lion taming." Then he grinned out of the corner of his mouth and the light reflected off his teeth and shades and then he whoosed off to the elevators.

He had to knock out 15 guards before reaching the elevator with his dog close behind. The dog was carrying a sanwich one of the guards had brought for their lunch. Suitov stood with his hands clasped behind him while the elevator went up and then he said "4th floor, electronics, kitchenware and kidnapped redheads."

He came out of the elevator and ran into another guard and they were about to knock each other out when Suitov lifted up his shades and said "Jiana!", and it was her.

"Ice you shouldn't have come." "I see you have the situation in hand, but don't I at least get credit for making the effort?" "That smart mouth is going to get you in to trouble some day, I suppose you can tag along since you're already here." "Very well, you can fill me in on the way." Suitov's dog followed them licking mayo off his nose and wondering if there was any cola to wash the sanwich down with.

"You see Ice, I have been tracking this criminal organization for some time now. They have a superconductor and they plan to use it to steal the world's oil and hold the world leaders to ransom before they pour it into the sea." "Very slick. But let me guess, someone spilled?" "Yes an informant told someone and I was sent to investigate. Sorry honey but I just couldn't tell you, the fate of the world was on the line." "A bigger sort of stake than your usual." "Judging by the puns you must really be mad at me." "I am, we'll talk about it later though. I take it this is the correct door." "It must be, the silver skulls on the doorposts are twice as big and tacky. as the others. And in the eyes, are those rubies?"

Red light glinted off Suitov's shades. "Get down!" he shouted in a commanding voice, his dog through himself aside and Suitov dragged Jiana down just before the silver skulls fired deadly lasers at them. Suitov rolled and took his gun and shot the eyes of the skull and they stopped glowing and went out. "Socket to me, pray do." Suitov got back to his feet pushing his shades back up his nose.

"I don't think much of the welcome so far." Jiana dusted off her guard uniform. Suitov said "It means we're close. Stay near me and let's see what else our gracious hosts have sent HEADing our way." Jiana nodded. "Give me a gun." "I beg your pardon, how inconsiderate of me." Suitov gave her a .45 and Jiana slid one of his knives into her boot. They went up to the door and on the count of three they both kicked it open.

Inside was a man in an all white suit and he had a white fedora down over one eye and a scar going down from the corner of his mouth. In front of him one of the guards had got Suitov's dog in a head lock and had a gun to his head. The man in white said "That's far enough." Suitov froze at once and another guard took his gun and held it to his back. Jiana put her hands over her head.

Jiana said "Inteligenzia I might have known it was you all along." The man in white laughed and half took off his hat to her. "Jiana my dear you were easy to fool, you and that predictable pretty boy partner of yours." "Well, when you put it so alliteratively," Suitov said. The guard hit him in the ribs with the gun butt "Quiet!" and Suitov wheezed and shut up.

"Now you two and your little dog too are all at my mercy!"

MORE TO COME IF I GET 5 REVIEWS!!!

Needless to say, I hope she gets five reviews. ^_^

I don't usually post things with myself in, because hell, what's the point. Here someone on the forums had a diligent attempt at "Suitov/just about everyone female", which always amuses me. An excerpt:

"I can't believe how much of a slut you are" said Weft to Suitov.

"It's true I like the pretty laides" said Suitov replied.

"And the not so pretty ones, I can't believe you slept with Jaina Laffent and Magdylana and Ishtar and even that genie."

"Those are just the ones I let you find out about" said Suitov because he was annoying Weft.

Weft was angry and siad "I hope you get an STD and die" but he didn't really. He was saying it because he was mad. Sometimes people say things they don't mean to their friends when theyre mad.

Then Suitov got mad too and wasn't friends with Weft any more and he went and met a beautiful girl with short slightly frizzy red hair and glasses and asthma wearing a Maze Masters tank top and cargo pants with three chains on them and so he married her and they were in love forever.

I didn't say it was any good... I'm sure she'll improve with practice and feedback though! ^_^

"I am not gay," the emerald-eyed half-elf declared for the fifteenth time.

"Have I said you were?" responded the human with a shake of his head, causing his dark hair to flick around his shoulders. Try as he might have been to pay attention to Sebastian, his cloudy grey eyes kept straying back to his book, like a teething puppy trying not to think of slippers.

Sebastian continued to fidget and move around, his silver hair dancing around him like the ghost of a waterfall. He picked up the jade carving he'd 'rescued' from the Lost Temple of Hla'Llugh in the dark elven kingdom of Vent'Demain and began tossing it up and down.

Finally he burst out with "Just because we dallied, that does not mean I like men. Is that clear?"

"For the record, neither do I," Suitov put in, toying briefly with the edge of a page before turning it.

"Furthermore," said Sebastian.

"Yes?" The human mage gave up and closed the book. But he kept his place with a finger.

"Moreover and furthermore."

"Yes...?"

The half-elf sat down abruptly on the end of the bed and briefly flashed his gigawatt smile. "I think it would be just as well if word of this never reached Sylvie's ears. Or Jaina's. Or indeed, goddess bless him, Weft."

"I wasn't planning to mention it to them."

Those words abstracted Iceheart's attention abruptly from the winter landscape outside the window.

"My dear friend," he began, addressing the assassin who was currently wrapped in his arms and gently purring.

"Mm?" enunciated Weft, too warm and comfortable to move.

"When I agreed to sleep with you..."

"Mmmmm."

"...which you convinced me was the only way to save the dragons' lives..."

"Oh," said Weft, "yeah, the dragons, yeah. Only way."

"I don't recall marriage being mentioned at any point."

Weft opened his eyes and leaned back a little. He gave Iceheart a narrow look. Then he chuckled. "You're such a kidder, Rigey. A one-night stand? Really, what sort of boy do you think I am?"

Alternative universes have such potential for laughs. And fics.

Suitov, I have to say, you look mouthwatering whether alive, dead or other.

P.S. Xan/Helmine FTW.

Of course, if anyone really wanted to annoy Suitov, they'd harass the kitten (cause Ice thinks the right to torment Weft is exclusively his) or be obnoxious to girls (cause even though Ice knows how stupid chivalry is, he still finds it really hard to resist) or start talking about mass extinctions (I'm not sure why this upsets him).

I'm just sayin' is all.

His hellhound is much easier to provoke. All it takes is a little felinity or a slap on the nose.

Speaking of rousing an unholy bitch, things are slowly calming down at Empousan Mysteries. I don't even know what that little flamewar was all about. Tyche, Evie and Bone Woman are on pre-mod "until they learn to grow up and get along", which I suspect will be some time. I love Boney but she isn't exactly known for learning her lesson, even if you could find someone who can teach it in Untwanga.

It's rare that Eche has to step in. I don't think any of us should be proud of ourselves. But I think the best thing to do is get on with our ficcing and... y'know, just have fun. That's why we all joined.